Whether it was curiosity about your family that led you to take a DNA test or the need to find a biological parent, sibling or other family member, DNA results can bring amazing good news or some very difficult information to process. Frequently it brings a bit of both and even with good news the full understanding of information coming at a person can be a lot to handle.
Anyone looking to connect with family through shared DNA is hoping for the Hallmark channel ending; hugging and crying and pure joy at welcoming one another into their respective families. And that does happen, but in my experience it’s not typical ending.
Sometimes that’s because it isn’t the goal of my client. They may want to know about their biological family, but are happy with their adoptive or otherwise created adult family and aren’t looking to add others into their close family circle. There can also be times when someone is aware of a negative event that caused the fracture in the family in previous generations and would like to know what can be learned about their family, but doesn’t want to meet them.
That’s a little vague so think a grandfather who abandoned his wife and created a whole new family in another place. Or an ugly divorce where custody was completely stripped from one parent, much more common in the 1960s and earlier, and that parent went on to have another family. These kinds of situations can result in a number of half siblings, who may or may not be aware of the existence of one another.
Knowing about one’s family and knowing one’s family are very different.
Another situation stems from the medical side of fertility issues, specifically sperm donors. Some sperm donors have entire Facebook groups dedicated to the connection of their offspring. This is an unintended consequence not envisioned by most men at the time of making the donation. One article from the Wall Street Journal discusses the life of a man who was the sperm donor of at least 96 children. He is now, per the article, attempting to be involved in many of their lives. How would this affect the child or the parents? Do the parents welcome this sort of interest or contact? Does the child?
In another story, this one from the Guardian from 2018, which discusses a “prolific” sperm donor and his hope to have children who wanted to find him from his donations due to a lack of having his own children. How one person feels about this will likely vary wildly from another. Some may welcome this idea and others may be aghast at this man’s desires. What can be seen as a selfless act to help a family or perhaps just a way to earn a little extra cash becomes a way to inject oneself into another family’s life.
Next is probably the most unsettling issue that has come to light with the use of genetic genealogy, fertility doctors using their own sperm to impregnate their patients. In this case from Idaho the fertility doctor was using his own sperm to inseminate clients, per the article without their knowledge or consent. From the article there are at least 17 children who are now half siblings. Of the parents discussed they felt deeply betrayed by a doctor they trusted. Many families with infertility believed that doctors like this were either using the husband’s sperm and or the doctor / medical practice had presented the family with the information on the specific sperm donor. Often families requested a sperm donor of similar looks to the husband.
For those interested in these types of situations there is a Netflix documentary about Dr. Donald Cline who inseminated at least 94 women with his own sperm in the 1970s and 80s.
Aside from this issue it must be taken into account how many of these families never disclosed the fertility difficulties to the children who are only now, through their DNA results, discovering that the man they believed to be their biological father their whole lives is not. These situations are referred to as NPEs, Non Parental Events. The other, most frequent, NPEs would be due to extra-marital affairs.
For those looking for answers using genetic genealogy the best advice I can provide is to say to be open to what is discovered. Should a half sibling appear in your results, be ready to decide what kind of a relationship you want. A question like that is very individual to the person and may be more about what you know about your parents before and after your birth more so than the existence of this new relative.
Many people struggle more with reconciling the knowledge of who they believe their parents to be than with the new relative. If you’ve always known there was a child before you given up for adoption finding that person might be the Hallmark ending you want, but discovering infidelity can be crushing. If you as a child were aware that your father had affairs, you might not be surprised at the half sibling, but you may also have no desire to meet them.
For children who were given a perfectly understandable reason that their father was not there to raise them finding out other reasons will likely be difficult. For example a child that was told their father died serving over seas in war; only to find out through genetic genealogy that that man had a wife and children about your age and was living a few streets away will be a lot to deal with.
Perhaps the worst case scenario for those searching for answers is not finding them. There are many people out there looking to Find Their Family and the DNA results just aren’t there to bring the picture into full light.
No matter where you are at in your journey have grace for those in the process, help where you can and draw boundaries when you need to. Whether someone is brand new and trying to understand or has been working for years trying to piece the puzzle together, it is a need for understanding and hope that brings people to the search.
If you are looking for help with your DNA Results take a look at our Research Packages and reach out using out Contact Page.